January 6, 2014

White As Snow.

This past year was a good one for so many reasons.

We bought a house at the end of January. We learned what life was like with two kiddos around the house. Ava started dance class, which has been so fun. Zane learned to walk, and had a million other milestones that we cheered for and rejoiced for. My Grandparents moved across the street from us, we had tons of family come visit us throughout the year. We traveled to Iowa twice. 
As with anything in life we had joys but I also had ups and downs in my life. This past year I also left my full time job to stay at home with my two little ones. A dream that I had in my heart for a long time. It was all I ever wanted. I kinda muddled through this thing called motherhood for much of the year. I had a three year old and a baby and all of a sudden I didn't know what to do. Most days I felt like I missed the mark, that I was failing or that I wasn't doing what I thought I should.

I'll be honest and say that going from one to two kids really threw me for a loop. It challenged me, brought out the worst in me at times, and stretched me as well. 
It also left me with a feeling that I felt like I couldn't place which in turn made me retreat inward. It left me feeling kinda paralized in so many ways. Most days were messy, most days I felt like I was in the thick of it and wondered if anyone noticed that I was drowning. At least that's how I felt most days. 

These feelings manifested themselves in ways that I didn't know they would. It's probably the biggest reason that in the last year you didn't see as many pictures of my children. I fought so many wars within myself about how much or little I should share on my blog about my children. 

At times I didn't feel that great about myself as how I was mothering, I felt like I didn't know what to say, so I just didn't. I felt a bit stuck. 
I poured my energy into other things that mattered. Some that didn't matter that I'm not proud of. I spent more time multitasking when it didn't matter. I let my house go for to many days. My marriage suffered at times. There were times that I just didn't feel like I measured up to anything. 

To put it plainly I felt like I lost myself a little bit this past year. Here I was a new mom of 2, not really knowing that that meant and feeling like I didn't do that well. I really struggled with this a lot during this past year. I went from working full time to being at home and not really knowing where my place was. 

I thought I would be attending play date after play date, and I didn't. I thought I could successfully homeschool Ava through preschool and most days I couldn't get her to sit down with me. 
 I love, love old hymns. I love to sing them and pray the words out loud. There's this old one called "Jesus Paid It All" that I love. The chorus goes like this;

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin has left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

I love these words so much. Even though this year was kinda messy, and I felt like I was deep in the throws of motherhood and finding myself again God started reminding me of who I was in Him. 
The wonderful thing about Jesus is that he gives us a new beginning. And I need that. Everyday I need that. I need his grace and mercy in my life. I'm so thankful for his grace, for his saving grace. I'm thankful that when I needed it most it was there. 

Even when I didn't feel good enough, or when I felt like I was barely making it as a wife and mother God reminded me of this calling of being just that for this season of life. 
As I look towards this next year of Thriving as a wife, mother and person I'm challenging myself with the things God has taught me and opened my eyes to.

Less multitasking and more sitting down and being there.

More sharing about what's on my heart with the people he's placed close to me.

More sharing my heart here on the blog and less worried about what others will think and say.
More celebrating life's everyday moments. 

More reminding me that God's grace is enough. He's enough. He takes even the messiest parts and makes them white as snow.

What are some things that you are learning about yourself? 

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