August 8, 2013

Becoming a Mom Times Two.

This time last year I was pregnant with Zane, house hunting, and trying not to lose my ever loving mind trying to potty train Ava. My pregnancy with Zane went by in the blink of an eye, I had all the grand plans of documenting every month in pictures with Ava by my side and doing all sorts of things but in the craziness that was our lives last Fall a lot of those things fell to the way side and sleep and trying to make sure things were in order in our lives took priority.

I remember blogging about my different pregnancies. It shouldn't have come as any surprise to me that these two kiddos of mine would be different after having such a different pregnancy experience. Even my birthing experience with baby #2 was so different.

(just hours after giving birth)

I didn't know how this new baby would change me, I didn't even know that it would change my mothering but it has. On one hand a lot of the things that gave me anxiety as a first time mom didn't the second time around. There was a bit of confidence in my step knowing that some of these emotions, milestones and situations I'd already been through and knew exactly what to do and how I felt about it.

And then without warning baby Zane became a much different baby that Ava was. And all those things "I knew how to do" got thrown out the window for middle of the night crying out to whom ever would listen saying "I have no clue what I'm doing."

My son is now almost 8 months old and he's still not sleeping through the night. I just started "sleep training" him last week. I've shed more tears in the last few months than I think I have in a couple years.

I feel tired ALL THE TIME.

Most days I don't feel like I have it together.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. There are days when I run to the bathroom and just close the door for a few seconds just to collect myself and say a prayer before coming out to re join my kiddos.

My son is different than Ava in so many ways, and because of that I find myself dealing with and parenting him differently.

And sometimes I wish they were the same, you know? Cause that would be so much easier than the current season I'm in.

A season where a lot of grace is needed when the house isn't as clean as I'd like it to be, or when I haven't accomplished most of what was on my "to-do" list for the day. This transition from one to two has been really hard on me, and now almost 8 months later I feel like we're kinda starting to catch our groove.

Last weekend I was at a birthday party for my friend's son and two other moms and I were sitting there chatting and they asked me what the transition was like going from one to two? I took a deep breath and asked them again if they wanted my honest answer and then began to share my heart.

It has been hard, there have been lots of tears shed. There has been moments of frustration and pure exhaustion. But, there have also been sweet moments that I know I'll never get back.

Moments when Ava looks at Zane and tells my how much she loves him. And I love how she calls him "her baby." 

And when I'm sitting there in the middle of the night in the dark rocking my son and trying to calm him down I remind myself that this hard thing I'm going through is just a season.

A season that will be gone all too quickly.

I say many, many prayers and ask God for wisdom and for him to fill me with super natural strength because I can not get through my days without HIM. I remember what a precious gift it is to be their parents, and that I get to raise them.

My encouragement is that I know this will not last forever (I tell myself this daily too). Sure, it's very hard right now but it will not be forever. So in these moments I try to keep my perspective on this. And let myself off the hook a little bit and know that I'm still trying to find my way and that's ok.


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