November 17, 2011

Catalyst

cat·a·lyst [kat-l-ist] noun

A person or thing that precipitates an event or change.

This time of year brings a season change. Temperatures start to cool down. Schools reach their mid semester time. Kids start to get excited about a break, and the impending Christmas time ahead. Halloween leads to the excitement of Thanksgiving, and that eventually leads to the excitement of Christmas.

Isn't it amazing how smells take us back to a certain time or place. How a song on the radio can remind you of a special time in life. It's crazy how our brains work, holding onto images of those seasons in our life. And, how if even just for a moment when you think about those images you start to recall that time, or feeling like you are living it all over again today.

Still vivid in your mind. Emotions that you start to feel all over again. Good, bad, happy or sad. You can taste them, smell them, suddenly you're transported back to a memory or event in your life that changed you, made you who you are, and forever is apart of you!

A catalyst, if you will to the rest of your life.

The Fall always brings me back to that time. The time in life when everything I once knew changed. The time in life when I changed.

I remember that cold, wet, rainy day in October three years ago. I stood outside frozen under the awning as I said good-bye and handed over the keys to my office building to my boss. Clenching my box of belongings from my desk as I walked to my car I started to cry. Still confused, stunned and barely able to speak let alone drive myself anywhere.

I made the frantic phone call to my Husband, the kind where you're crying so hard the words don't make sense at all. Through the tears I muttered; "I just lost my job."

Without hesitation he said come to my work, I'll take you home. I drove the few blocks to his office building and stepped out of the card in the pouring rain so we could switch drivers. I cried the whole way home that afternoon, we barely spoke.

I got home that afternoon, and peeled the wet clothing and socks off and crawled into my bed and fell asleep. I remember waking up that evening in a fog, like I didn't know what just happened and I hoped it was some how a dream.

It wasn't. That day I got laid off from my job.

My world was rocked, turned upside down. My reactions led me down a road of bitterness, anger, hurt and depression.

I completely lost my JOY.

That season of life marks a time not only of job loss, but also at the same time consequently we also lost our home because of it. Our first home. The home I thought we'd be in forever, raise babies, and grow old in. One that we worked so hard for to obtain, was now gone. Just a memory.

These were also the events, that now define me.

They have changed me. They were the catalyst to the person I am now.

I wish I could say that the road was easy. That I didn't spend months angry at people, or hurt, or bitter. I can't. I wish I could say that I had a good cry and it was over, but I can't say that either.

I needed healing from my brokenness. I needed to forgive. I needed the Lord to do something inside of me, to heal me and take all those broken pieces and put them back together again.

My anger at those in voled kept me from this healing for a long time.

My running away to what I thought was greener pastures, and not dealing kept me from my healing.

My putting on a brave face, and not letting anyone close to me kept me from the Lord and all that he wanted to do in me.

I remember when I started going to see a Counselor, I remember sitting on that couch thinking in my mind how I was living some sort of movie.

Isn't this the stuff that happened in movies? It didn't happen in real life did it?

During that season of life my eyes were opened to a whole different perspective. Through all these trails the Lord has shown me his love, grace and mercy in a new way.

In a way that I didn't know before.

He has healed and redeemed more than I could have imagined.

You know why? Because I let him.

It took me a long time {probably about a year afterwards} to really let him start to heal the brokenness that I was in. But, once I made the choice to give all that pain to the Lord he started to show me things about myself, and things about my character. I started to heal.

Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the Resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade, kept in heave for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, through now for a little while you made have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed!

1 Peter 1-7

This scripture is a beautiful picture of exactly how I feel today. My point in all of this is; God can redeem anything!

If you give it to him, he will! He will make something more beautiful out of your situation than you could have ever imagined. I am convinced that God is more concerned about our reaction to things that happen to us, than the actually event that occurred.

Because, it is in those moments of your reaction when you decide if this will draw you closer or farther apart from HIM.

My reactions drew me away from God, and people around me for a long time. Sure, I put on the bravest face and smiled to those around me but inside I was dying an emotional death, slowly that I thought would never end.

It didn't end until, I decided that I couldn't do it alone anymore. I needed to reach out to my heavenly Father and ask those around me for help. I needed to be honest with myself about my emotions, and where I was really at.

Today, three years later I can truly say that the Lord has redeemed and healed my heart. My brokenness, and my broken relationships.

These events are ones of definition. They are apart of me, who I am. Apart of my story of grace and redemption now.

When the Fall hits, the season changes, the temperatures grow colder it instantly takes me back to that rainy day in October, and I remember that day like it was yesterday.

They were the catalyst of what changed my relationship with the Lord.

Today, I am forever grateful for those times of trial and grief. For how the Lord has been able to use my situation, our situation to give others hope and encouragement.

I know that this is not light hearted stuff by any means, but this was on my heart today and I wanted to share it with you. I hope and pray that no matter what you may be going through today or in your season of circumstance that you turn to the Lord today.

He Loves you, beyond your situation.

Thank you for letting me share my heart today.

Joyfully,
Andrea

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