November 9, 2011

The Real Reason I'm Not Pregnant with #2

It's that season again, somethings in the air and people are drinking the water. I have a bunch of friends who are pregnant again, and 3 who just had babies within the last month.

It seems like every time I log onto Facebook someone is announcing the news, or saying they just had their baby. It's a really exciting time right now for a lot of people I know. And, I know just first hand how exciting this time of life can be especially when it's your first baby.

Sure it would be exciting and fun to be pregnant with them, and experience that together. I'd be lying if I didn't say I've thought about it. Then, my husband gently reminds me that just because your friends are pregnant doesn't mean you should be too.

I suppose he's right. ;)

Orion and I are hitting that natural time when our first child is over a year and people start to ask when you're going to have another?! Friends, family {especially family} they all want to know. I can't blame them.

We do want more kids.

It's not even the fertility issues that scare me. Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about them from time to time.

But, the truth is I really am just enjoying Ava. There are days when I fight motherhood guilt stronger than other days. The reality for me is that I hardly feel like I am with her, it tears me apart. I spend 10+ hours a day away from her and by the time I get home I don't wanna do anything but be with her.

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I don't want to cook, or clean or do really much of anything except play on the floor with toys. Sing silly and annoying {but she loves them} Yo-Gabba-Gabba songs together. I'm tempted to keep her up past her bed time every night just because I want to spend more time with her. But, I know that I shouldn't and so I do my best to keep her on her schedule so she can get the rest she needs.

No, the real reason is I long for time with her.

There's still so many things that I want to experience with her. I want to take one last family vacation
with her. There's still so many things this family of three hasn't done yet.

The other truth?

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Being a working mom, isn't my calling. It's been a little over a year since I went back to work full time. Truthfully, it's the hardest thing I've ever done being away from her.

It's something I've cried over. Something I agonize about. Feelings I fight daily.

Prayed over. Found peace in the sense that it's only for a season. But, it doesn't make it any easier. It makes it a little easier but not really.

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I truly know that every mother no matter if they work inside the home or outside works so very hard. It doesn't matter to me what you do, or how you make it work for your family. The beauty is that you get to choose what's best for your family.

I knew going back to work that it wouldn't be forever, when I started working full time it became abundantly clear that this wasn't where I was to be. It took me a long time to come to grips & have peace about the season the Lord had me in.

The other reason I'm not pregnant with number two, is because I don't want to work full time.

I want to be at home with my children. Teaching them. Playing with them, raising them the way Orion and I want to, and feel called to do.

And, before that happens I want Ava to have time with me. More like, I want to have time with her. Just her. I want her to feel completely and utterly adored and cared for. I want to take the time and nest with her and a brand new baby.

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I know this season will come to an end.

The Lord knows the desire of my heart. I believe that he has a perfect plan for us.

I believe in the right timing of things too.

Sure, I think about how far apart in age Ava will be to her future sibling, sure I wonder about the age difference, I go back and forth in my mind playing these situations over and over again life a broken record.

But, then again I am reminded of God's peace he's given us about this decision.

Remaining faithful to his promise to me.

In the mean time, we will wait. We will enjoy every single day. hour. minute with our girl!

Cherishing those family mornings when we're all snuggling in bed together. The endless amounts of gabba on the t.v. and every moment in between.

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