October 7, 2010

I debated for a while about sharing this on the blog, but then I realized that;
1. I never heard this while I was pregnant & preparing for Motherhood.
2. If I can bring awareness & help another struggling Mommy than this is worth sharing.
3. It's my blog, so I get to talk about whatever I want. :)

As I mentioned in the previous post, when I took Ava to the doctor last week they told me that she lost 7 ounces. They asked about her eating habits and how much I was giving her. After explaining everything and going over it the doctor determined that as this point she thinks Ava isn't getting enough from me with strictly breast feeding. 

When I pumped two weeks ago I noticed that I only had gotten 2 oz. and usually I'd gotten at least 4 oz. I thought maybe from that experience something was up, and my milk supply might be lower from where it once was. But, in my own ignorance I just figured my body was making what she needed and it wasn't as issue. 

You can imagine how my heart sank when he doctor told me she wasn't getting enough at each feeding. I felt pain and hurt that mostly I wasn't able to give her what she needed. I felt guilty automatically. I wondered how can we fix this and make it right?

Ava's doctor suggested that we supplement with formula for now to see if it's an issue of her not being able to gain weight or something more. 

I came home that day, and I won't lie it was really hard. Now, we were entering a world of formula something we haven't done in the last 6 months. She's been strictly breast fed nothing else. She did well with the first few bottles and was doing well switching back and forth. 

The next couple days were a little rough. I think the hardest thing has been the emotional side of all this. While I was pregnant I knew I wanted to try breast feeding, I didn't know how I'd do or how she'd do. But, she took to it like it and I embraced it as it has become the most natural thing to me. Something that I look forward to every time, something that bonds us and is special to us. 

Panic and fear set in my mind thinking, would I still have that bond with her if I wasn't breast feeding? Would she still want me? Is, that silly or what? 

It is. 

But, if I'm being honest I thought that, all those things. 

It's a crazy feeling to feel like I can't nourish my child the way that I wanted to or expected to. 

The last week I've been angry at my body for not "doing" what everyone else's can do. But, also in the last week God has given me peace that everything is going to be ok. That he's the ultimate provider and he will take care of Ava. 

I've come to a peace that whatever way we need to get her to a healthy weight that's what we'll do. 

And I am reminded every time I sing her to sleep, nurse her or bottle feed her, change her outfits because she spit up on herself that she needs me! 

That nothing will take away or tarnish our bond. The bond that we've formed is strong and lasting because at the end of all this;

She's my daughter. 

And, I am her Mommy. And that is forever.

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